Trump Nationalizes D.C. Police to Protect City From Jaywalking Epidemic
WASHINGTON - In an effort to crack down on what Trump described as “the disgusting, liberal epidemic of jaywalking,” the president has nationalized the DC Metropolitan Police. The announcement was made from the middle of the street on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House between a police barricade.
As DC Metropolitan Police and Secret Service maintained the barricade that was blocking off Pennsylvania Avenue, Trump declared, “It’s terrible. Absolutely terrible. Purple-haired liberals just wandering into traffic like diseased pigeons. Some of them don’t even cross. They just stand there.”
The president gripped the podium as his face reddened. Trump then compared jaywalking to 9/11, the opioid crisis, and “windmills chopping the heads off bald eagles,” insisting jaywalking is worse than all three combined.
“That’s why I’m taking a stand right here,” Trump declared. He put a fist in the air and with the same zeal he had after getting a microscopic chunk of flesh shot off his right ear, during the last assassination attempt on his life, he yelled, “No More Jaywalking!” He repeated it over and over as he pounded his fist in the air.
Trump then outlined his new “Zero Step Policy,” which he insisted is a “beautiful” policy that will bring “law and order, but mostly order.”
“And all you other liberal cities, you’re next,” he warned, jabbing his orange finger in the air. “I’m sending in the National Guard, the DEA, the FBI, and my personal favorite… ICE. Believe me. If you so much as hover near a curb, we will shoot first and ask questions later, maybe, if you’re still alive. And honestly, the questions won’t be very good.”
Trump began pounding the podium and thundered, “We will restore order to our streets. If you’re in the middle of the road without authorization, you’re not a pedestrian. You’re an enemy of the people. And we will treat you as such.”
He ended his remarks by continuing to chant, “No More Jaywalking!” as confused tourists tried to figure out how to legally cross the street back to their hotels.
