Local
In an innovative approach to health and fitness, FlexFlex Revolution Gym has unveiled its latest strategy to ensure members show up: The “Get Up or Else” membership plan. For just $29.99 a month, members can now enjoy the traditional amenities of a gym, plus the added benefit of a
International
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden expressed his deep frustration after Israel's government issued a statement claiming that the recent attack on an aid convoy was, in fact, a mistake. The President, known for his calm demeanor and aviator sunglasses, reportedly wishes Israel would just admit it
I have a tesla
In a groundbreaking study that has rocked the parking lots of Whole Foods and the driveways of Silicon Valley, researchers have concluded that a whopping 97% of Tesla drivers believe they're superior to non-Tesla motorists. The findings, published in the prestigious journal Nature, have finally provided empirical evidence
Intelligence
With the right approach and a dash of clever wordplay, you can fool almost anyone into thinking you’re the Einstein of the group.
How to be a dictator
Former American President Donald Trump, possibly in an effort to make himself look like an even worse person, read the article “How to be a Dictator” on the website Wiki-How. This information was released by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) who claims to have been monitoring the
Russia
MOSCOW - In an over the top display of political oppression, President of Russia, Vladimir Putin has had every single voter who did not vote for him in the recent election killed. "Winning an election by less than 100% is unacceptable," exclaimed Putin at a press briefing. Political
Foreign Affairs
Antony Blinken, currently the 71st US Secretary of State and the man that gave the world bland diplomacy, has paid a whistle-stop visit to Thailand. In the press briefing following the visit, a spokesperson for Blinken said, “We’ve tried our best to keep this visit under the radar. How
Vladimir Putin
International observers have raised a number of concerns regarding ballot rigging in Russia's election for president. A spokesperson for the team of over a hundred polling station monitors, Livanya Knees, raised a list of concerns at a news conference in Helsinki after the ballots had closed, and the
Supreme Court
In a rare intervention by the Supreme Court in America, it has handed down a ruling that an ancient law governing presidential elections is to be enacted for the upcoming 2024 presidential election. This states that the two leading candidates must compete in an egg-and-spoon race over one hundred yards.
China
BEIJING - The President of China made a highly unorthodox statement regarding the mysterious disappearance of a high-ranking government official. The President solemnly declared, via an official press conference, that he “pinkie promises” he had nothing to do with the official’s vanishing. The missing official, who was last seen
Donald Trump
At a red neck rally in Idaho yesterday, a packed hall of ‘bubbas’ was stunned into silence by the weird and somewhat deranged antics of their hero, ex president and fanny magnet Donald Trump. Just under ten thousand red neck Trump acolytes had each paid a $200 entrance fee to
United Kingdom
The disgraced former prime minister of the UK, Boris Johnson, has accepted the role of ‘Beppo the sad faced clown’ in a bizarre remake of the international best selling novel by Stephen King, ‘IT’. King’s novel has already been adapted into a two-part miniseries, as well as spawning two
Donald Trump
At one of ex president and fanny magnet Donald Trump’s Nuremberg style rallies in Iowa yesterday, a publicity stunt organized by the alleged sex offender, fraudster and traitor, Trump, seriously backfired. The publicity stunt involved the use of a martial arts training dummy. This had been modified to have
Joe Biden
President Biden has a reputation for blunders, but his latest clusterfuck trumps (no pun intended) them all. His advisors informed the president that the swing state of Georgia was a fundamental place to hold a rally for his supporters if he was to succeed in winning the presidential election later
Houthi Rebels
The world’s media was shocked by the news that emerged yesterday that Farne Island had been invaded by a small band of Houthi rebels. A force of twelve Houthis ‘raided’ the scenic island off the coast of Northumberland in the UK. The attack party landed on the beach at
Steve Bannon
Ex White House Chief Strategist, and shagged out 60s pop star Peter Noone lookalike, Steve Bannon, admitted to a press gathering that he wears Nazi SS uniform onesie pyjamas in bed. The surprise admission came after this question was asked of Bannon by young Gavin, the UK cub reporter for