MOSCOW — Responding to growing speculation over the mysterious death of opposition figure and former newspaper publisher Vyacheslav Leontyev, Russian President Vladimir Putin assured reporters that the tragedy was simply another case of what doctors call “acute gravity syndrome.” “Many of my critics suffer from a strange illness where they suddenly
WASHINGTON — The long-awaited rebranding of the Department of Defense to its more honest title, the Department of War, has been delayed, not due to any moral reckoning or sudden outbreak of self-awareness in Washington, but because the government literally cannot afford new signs right now. The White House, which announced
WASHINGTON — According to an anonymous source in the White House, the Trump Administration has quietly developed a contingency plan in case the Rapture, a biblical event where devout Christians ascend to heaven and unbelievers are left behind, occurs and former President Trump doesn’t make the cut. The plan, known
MENLO PARK, CA — What began as a highly orchestrated product launch for Meta’s new line of smart glasses quickly collapsed Thursday after reporters appeared less interested in augmented reality features and more focused on CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s alleged upcoming molting season. “Today, we’re introducing a revolutionary new
WASHINGTON - President Trump signed an executive order Friday morning to rename the Department of Defense to the Department of War, a move that is estimated to cost the government $4 million over the next two years. “We’re no longer calling it Defense Department we’re calling it War
SAN FRANCISCO - Recently announced startup Meridian Technologies, a call center and sales company, revealed they are hiring for their marketing and business development teams. According to an interview Business Insider had with CEO Joseph Latham, a major perk of employment is the guarantee of “not starving to death.” “We’
WASHINGTON - After buying a 10% stake of Intel, the Trump Administration has announced their plan to buy a majority stake of Netflix with Trump vowing to “end the liberal streaming agenda once and for all.” “We’re making Netflix great again,” Trump told reporters. “No more purple-haired baristas writing
WASHINGTON - In an effort to crack down on what Trump described as “the disgusting, liberal epidemic of jaywalking,” the president has nationalized the DC Metropolitan Police. The announcement was made from the middle of the street on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House between a police barricade.
TULSA, Okla. — Local evangelical pastor Pastor Brad Halberd of the Grace Under Fire Church announced during Sunday’s sermon that he is “absolutely thrilled” about rising tensions between Israel and Iran. “We are so close, people,” said Halberd, practically shaking with joy. “Wars, rumors of wars, global unrest, climate disasters,
COLUMBUS, Ohio — In an inspiring story of determination and rigorously poor financial planning, 38-year-old Greg Halvorsen finally achieved the elusive dream of financial freedom, by ceasing to exist. Halvorsen, who once described budgeting as “emotional terrorism,” passed away peacefully in his sleep last Thursday, thereby eliminating all outstanding debts, credit
Torn Wires sat down with Trump for a 25-minute interview, portions of which are transcribed.
KYIV—In a display of almost-cooperation, Russia and Ukraine have agreed to a prisoner swap, marking the first time in months the two nations have accomplished anything together besides blaming each other for catastrophic explosions. The deal, described by both sides as “a small but meaningful step,” involved exchanging soldiers,
TEL AVIV, Israel — In an attempt to make the world a more peaceful place, Israel and Hamas have announced plans to hold peace talks immediately after both sides are finished actively making the situation as unpeaceful as possible. Sources close to the negotiations confirm that representatives from both sides are
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump this week ordered the deportation of CNN White House correspondent James Costa directly into an El Salvadorian maximum-security prison after the reporter had the audacity to ask “a rude, nasty, very disrespectful question” about inflation. The press conference, which was intended to be a "
A nosy neighbor like Mrs. Kravitz, insisting the blonde woman across the street is a witch, may finally gain some control over her surroundings with the innovation of new, smart neighborhoods. ICU Community, based in Mountain View, California, is the driving force of smart security systems intended to embed into
AUSTIN, TX - Elon Musk announced plans this week to launch a new defense contracting firm, StarBrigade, aimed at accelerating his long-term vision of profiting off every corner of human existence, including international conflict. At a press conference held at Tesla's headquarters, Musk explained his motivation. “I’ve
The Economy
BOSTON - Local man Kyle Henderson has found a way to personally combat inflation. He simply never reimburses his friends. "They say the dollar doesn't stretch like it used to," Kyle explained while sipping from a coffee he definitely didn't pay for. "So
Parenting
SEATTLE - Tired of their four-year-old daughter "bragging" about wanting to be a princess, local mother Mindy Pinkerton and father Daniel Pinkerton crushed their daughters hopes and dreams by explaining "it's about time she grows up" and realizes that she's not special
Trade War
As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald Trump’s latest round of proposed tariffs, the president offered a characteristically unconventional solution on Friday: “Just stop buying stuff.” At a press conference, Trump unveiled a sweeping proposal to expand tariffs on countries he described
Donald Trump
WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"
Trump Administration
WASHINGTON - The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump's recent nominee, Bryan Whitmore, from consideration for Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) due to the discovery that Whitmore has several decades of experience as an infectious disease expert. "We
Local
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled. “I just don’
Surveillance
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.” “Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a
Capital Punishment
Not only is the firing squad more humane, it’s also a return to proud American traditions. When we live in such an individualistic society, there’s something refreshingly intimate about a group of dedicated marksmen coming together to complete a task by hand. No computers, no bureaucratic delays -
Trump and Zelensky
WASHINGTON - After a tumultuous meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and President Donald Trump, Trump stated during his congressional address that having a “nice steak dinner” could lead to the brokering of a peace deal with Russia. Trump, who claimed to have "brokered the best deals, the very
Democracy Dies in Darkness
WASHINGTON – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech nerd to
Global Climate Change
Look, I get it. Climate change is a looming existential threat, the planet is warming, and we’re all supposed to do something about it. But hear me out: What if we just... didn’t? I mean, ignoring problems has worked for me in the past. My student loans? Haven’
The Almighty
HEAVEN - In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with President Donald Trump, lamenting that his continued invocation of divine support is causing a “serious branding issue” for the kingdom of heaven. “Look, I’m omnipotent and all that, but even I have limits when it
War on Federal Employees
WASHINGTON - As a follow up to President Trump’s recent executive order forcing federal employees to work in person five days a week, Trump has issued another executive order mandating that all federal employees that are still working remotely be forcibly abducted from their homes and returned to government
Civil Rights
WASHINGTON - President Trump signed an executive order Monday morning demanding the Department of Education "institute segregation within the next 90 days." Leaked memos reveal that the Department of Education is wasting no time in following orders, with reports surfacing of brand-new "blacks only" and "
End of the World
DES MOINES, IOWA - Members of the Heaven’s Truth organization, who are adamant their organization is not a cult, failed to correctly predict the end of days for the fifth consecutive time in the last three years, causing widespread frustration and mild embarrassment within the group. “We really thought
Health
WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision this week, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first-ever "prescription-strength placebo," ushering in a new era for the placebo industry and Big Pharma's never-ending quest to make billions of dollars off your misery. Dr. Karen Mills, the lead researcher