A nosy neighbor like Mrs. Kravitz, insisting the blonde woman across the street is a witch, may finally gain some control over her surroundings with the innovation of new, smart neighborhoods. ICU Community, based in Mountain View, California, is the driving force of smart security systems intended to embed into
AUSTIN, TX - Elon Musk announced plans this week to launch a new defense contracting firm, StarBrigade, aimed at accelerating his long-term vision of profiting off every corner of human existence, including international conflict. At a press conference held at Tesla's headquarters, Musk explained his motivation. “I’ve
BOSTON - Local man Kyle Henderson has found a way to personally combat inflation. He simply never reimburses his friends. "They say the dollar doesn't stretch like it used to," Kyle explained while sipping from a coffee he definitely didn't pay for. "So
SEATTLE - Tired of their four-year-old daughter "bragging" about wanting to be a princess, local mother Mindy Pinkerton and father Daniel Pinkerton crushed their daughters hopes and dreams by explaining "it's about time she grows up" and realizes that she's not special
As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald Trump’s latest round of proposed tariffs, the president offered a characteristically unconventional solution on Friday: “Just stop buying stuff.” At a press conference, Trump unveiled a sweeping proposal to expand tariffs on countries he described
WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"
WASHINGTON - The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump's recent nominee, Bryan Whitmore, from consideration for Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) due to the discovery that Whitmore has several decades of experience as an infectious disease expert. "We
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled. “I just don’
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.” “Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a
Not only is the firing squad more humane, it’s also a return to proud American traditions. When we live in such an individualistic society, there’s something refreshingly intimate about a group of dedicated marksmen coming together to complete a task by hand. No computers, no bureaucratic delays -
WASHINGTON - After a tumultuous meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and President Donald Trump, Trump stated during his congressional address that having a “nice steak dinner” could lead to the brokering of a peace deal with Russia. Trump, who claimed to have "brokered the best deals, the very
WASHINGTON – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech nerd to
Look, I get it. Climate change is a looming existential threat, the planet is warming, and we’re all supposed to do something about it. But hear me out: What if we just... didn’t? I mean, ignoring problems has worked for me in the past. My student loans? Haven’
HEAVEN - In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with President Donald Trump, lamenting that his continued invocation of divine support is causing a “serious branding issue” for the kingdom of heaven. “Look, I’m omnipotent and all that, but even I have limits when it
WASHINGTON - As a follow up to President Trump’s recent executive order forcing federal employees to work in person five days a week, Trump has issued another executive order mandating that all federal employees that are still working remotely be forcibly abducted from their homes and returned to government
WASHINGTON - President Trump signed an executive order Monday morning demanding the Department of Education "institute segregation within the next 90 days." Leaked memos reveal that the Department of Education is wasting no time in following orders, with reports surfacing of brand-new "blacks only" and "
End of the World
DES MOINES, IOWA - Members of the Heaven’s Truth organization, who are adamant their organization is not a cult, failed to correctly predict the end of days for the fifth consecutive time in the last three years, causing widespread frustration and mild embarrassment within the group. “We really thought
Health
WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision this week, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first-ever "prescription-strength placebo," ushering in a new era for the placebo industry and Big Pharma's never-ending quest to make billions of dollars off your misery. Dr. Karen Mills, the lead researcher
Elon Musk
Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu made a post on X saying, Musk “is being falsely smeared. Elon is a great friend of Israel. He visited Israel after the October 7 massacre… [and] has since repeatedly and forcefully supported Israel’s right to defend itself against genocidal terrorists and regimes
Government
WASHINGTON, DC - During a press conference at the White House this morning, Elon Musk delivered a speech on government efficiency, a topic he admittedly knows nothing about. The speech began with Musk confidently outlining a plan to streamline federal agencies but things took a turn when he paused mid-sentence,
The Reptillian Elite
MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be unable to attend President Donald Trump's inauguration due to a prior commitment: a high-level meeting of the global reptilian elite scheduled for the same day. Zuckerberg, who was slated to co-host a reception with prominent Republican
Whistleblowers
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – OpenAI whistleblower Jai Agarwal tragically died in a courtroom mere moments before he was set to testify. As Agarwal approached the witness stand to reveal alleged corporate misconduct, he reportedly let out a high-pitched scream, clutched his chest, and collapsed to the floor, twitching slightly before becoming
Underground Bunkers
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a hastily arranged press conference, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg denied persistent rumors that he hosts clandestine gatherings with a shadowy cabal of reptilian overlords in his subterranean bunker. “I want to be clear: I’m just a normal, socially awkward billionaire with a penchant for BBQ
politics
In a twist no one saw coming (except, apparently, President Joe Biden), the Commander-in-Chief is now $5 richer after winning a bet on Donald Trump taking the White House over his own Vice President, Kamala Harris. "People said I was just being my usual ‘Uncle Joe’ self," Biden
Elections
With these classic one-liners and tried-and-true strategies, you can hold your own in any political discussion without knowing anything at all. 1. "It’s About Time We Had Some Real Change Around Here" This line is a timeless crowd-pleaser, perfect for any election year. Whether the discussion’s
Creepy
San Francisco, CA — In a move to clear up any confusion surrounding his latest venture, Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI and CEO of World, the organization formerly known as Worldcoin, reassured the public today that the new biometric eye-scanning devices popping up around the world are "definitely, 100%, without
Satire
Mar-a-Lago, FL— Speaking from his home in Florida, Trump made a statement explaining that the recent Georgia school shooting is a tragedy but could have been avoided if school crossing guards had machine guns. "Let me tell you something, folks," Trump began. "If those school crossing guards
Satire
So, you’ve grown tired of the daily grind, and your side hustle isn't getting you the mansion and private island you always dreamed of? Well, it might be time to start a cult. Before you dismiss this idea as “morally dubious” or “a quick way to get
Satire
Local 38-year-old office worker Dave Jenkins, who once considered a brisk walk to the fridge his daily exercise, now boasts a far more rigid routine. "I used to think, 'Hey, I’ll just have a cup of coffee and head to work,'" Dave recalls wistfully. "
Cheap Gift Giving
The best things in life are free—like unsolicited advice and that sock you found under the couch. Here’s a list of the top gifts you can give without spending a single cent. 1. The Gift of Unsolicited Advice Nothing says "I care" like offering life-changing advice
Boring Conversations
Adam Johns was attending a business dinner recently when the man next to him began to drone on about annuities and asset allocation. Ten minutes in, Johns had enough. But he didn't know how to escape the situation. Here are ten ways to get out of a boring
Satire
WEST POINT, NY - President Joe Biden's recent graduation speech at West Point was abruptly interrupted when he appeared to fall asleep mid-sentence. The incident, initially perceived as an excessively long dramatic pause, left viewers in a state of confusion. As the President began his address to the