MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be unable to attend President Donald Trump's inauguration due to a prior commitment: a high-level meeting of the global reptilian elite scheduled for the same day. Zuckerberg, who was slated to co-host a reception with prominent Republican
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – OpenAI whistleblower Jai Agarwal tragically died in a courtroom mere moments before he was set to testify. As Agarwal approached the witness stand to reveal alleged corporate misconduct, he reportedly let out a high-pitched scream, clutched his chest, and collapsed to the floor, twitching slightly before becoming
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a hastily arranged press conference, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg denied persistent rumors that he hosts clandestine gatherings with a shadowy cabal of reptilian overlords in his subterranean bunker. “I want to be clear: I’m just a normal, socially awkward billionaire with a penchant for BBQ
In a twist no one saw coming (except, apparently, President Joe Biden), the Commander-in-Chief is now $5 richer after winning a bet on Donald Trump taking the White House over his own Vice President, Kamala Harris. "People said I was just being my usual ‘Uncle Joe’ self," Biden
With these classic one-liners and tried-and-true strategies, you can hold your own in any political discussion without knowing anything at all. 1. "It’s About Time We Had Some Real Change Around Here" This line is a timeless crowd-pleaser, perfect for any election year. Whether the discussion’s
San Francisco, CA — In a move to clear up any confusion surrounding his latest venture, Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI and CEO of World, the organization formerly known as Worldcoin, reassured the public today that the new biometric eye-scanning devices popping up around the world are "definitely, 100%, without
History has no shortage of dramatic events, but every now and then, something happens that’s so strange, it feels like the universe itself might be trolling us. Here's a look at some of these bizarre events. 1. The Great Emu War (1932) Apparently, Australia declared war on
Mar-a-Lago, FL— Speaking from his home in Florida, Trump made a statement explaining that the recent Georgia school shooting is a tragedy but could have been avoided if school crossing guards had machine guns. "Let me tell you something, folks," Trump began. "If those school crossing guards
Conspiracy theories: we love to laugh at them until we realize that sometimes, hidden beneath layers of tinfoil hats and bizarre logic, there’s a tiny, ridiculous grain of truth. Here are five outlandish conspiracy theories that aren’t entirely wrong—just mostly. 1. The Government is Watching You Through
So, you’ve grown tired of the daily grind, and your side hustle isn't getting you the mansion and private island you always dreamed of? Well, it might be time to start a cult. Before you dismiss this idea as “morally dubious” or “a quick way to get
Welcome to the Middle Ages, where a trim, a tooth yank, and a nice, clean amputation were all on the menu.
Local 38-year-old office worker Dave Jenkins, who once considered a brisk walk to the fridge his daily exercise, now boasts a far more rigid routine. "I used to think, 'Hey, I’ll just have a cup of coffee and head to work,'" Dave recalls wistfully. "
The best things in life are free—like unsolicited advice and that sock you found under the couch. Here’s a list of the top gifts you can give without spending a single cent. 1. The Gift of Unsolicited Advice Nothing says "I care" like offering life-changing advice
Adam Johns was attending a business dinner recently when the man next to him began to drone on about annuities and asset allocation. Ten minutes in, Johns had enough. But he didn't know how to escape the situation. Here are ten ways to get out of a boring
WEST POINT, NY - President Joe Biden's recent graduation speech at West Point was abruptly interrupted when he appeared to fall asleep mid-sentence. The incident, initially perceived as an excessively long dramatic pause, left viewers in a state of confusion. As the President began his address to the
CINCINNATI, OHIO - Authorities have taken drastic measures to address movie piracy by executing a local man, John Myers, for illegally streaming "Avengers: Endgame" from the comfort of his own home. This marks a new chapter in the war against copyright infringement, where harsh penalties are now the
Conspiracy Theorist
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident Steve Johnson, a 35-year-old self-proclaimed tech skeptic, is raising alarms in his community with his fervent belief that billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates is planning to microchip everyone. "I've read the articles and watched the videos," said Johnson, while holding his phone, which
Satire
Menlo Park, CA - In a recent press conference at Meta Headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vehemently denied ongoing internet rumors claiming he is a reptilian, only to spend the subsequent two hours basking under a heat lamp installed at the podium. "The idea that I'm part of
Satire
Austin, TX — Elon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur known for his bold ventures into space and electric cars, made a controversial remark directed at former Tesla employees who were upset over their recent layoffs. In a post made on X (formerly known as Twitter) Musk told the former staff members to
Feminism
In an effort to break the glass ceiling even further, several feminist non-profit organizations have been bringing awareness to how women are rarely recruited into terrorist organizations and when they are they usually work in a less demanding capacity, as caregivers, or are simply given to men as wives. A
Boeing
WASHINGTON, DC — In what's being described as a shocking overreaction, Boeing executives reportedly eliminated every employee after a wing detached from one of their planes mid-flight over Montgomery Village, MD on Wednesday. The incident, which miraculously resulted in no casualties aboard the flight, led to a drastic decision
Employment
ANN ARBOR, MI - A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan, which analyzed over four million job postings, found that a majority of all entry-level job postings require applicants to have at least 80 years of professional experience, be proficient in 12 languages, and be able to perform
Terrible Mornings
For those who hate mornings, each day starts with its own set of trials and tribulations. But you’re not alone in the struggle against the sunrise. Here are 10 things only people who hate mornings will understand. The Snooze Button is Your Best Friend and Worst Enemy Every morning,
A Murder
COLLIERVILLE, TX - Collierville, known primarily for its annual corn festival and competitive knitting circles, has now skyrocketed into infamy with its first recorded murder since, presumably, the dawn of time. The murder, described as "at least second-degree" and "definitely not an accident," occurred sometime between
Donald Trump
WASHINGTON, DC - In response to former President Trump's lawyer's "hypothetical" argument that the President is legally allowed to kill political opponents, Supreme Court justices agreed that the president is legally allowed to kill political rivals, as long as there is no more than
Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals. “The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack
Local
SEATTLE, WA - In need of work-life balance, local resident Stephen Ericson decided to stop going to work without notifying his employer. The incident, which began one month ago, has led to Ericson continuing to receive paychecks from his employer. "The only time I even login to my work
Business
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Google announced this morning that it will begin terminating any employee who expresses an opinion—positive, negative, or otherwise—on the Israel-Palestine conflict, especially opinions that may jeopardize Google's deal to provide cloud infrastructure to Israel. The company states this policy is a key
Conspiracy Theorist
In an exclusive interview from his underground bunker, local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed Elon Musk superfan, Terry Adams, shared his theory about how Bill Gates is allegedly planning to implant microchips in people worldwide. Terry, who only communicates through encrypted messages and believes Wi-Fi signals can read thoughts, began the
Elevator
“I hope they fixed it this time.” Say this while glancing nervously at the elevator buttons and watch your fellow riders immediately text their loved ones. “Do you smell smoke?” Absolutely guaranteed to quicken pulses. This is a great way to discover who skipped leg day when they sprint out
Local
In a neighborhood that was previously known for its picket fences and well-tended lawns, residents are now grappling with a rather unusual situation. Local man Harold Thompson has allegedly stumbled upon a hidden portal in his backyard that leads directly into his neighbor's garage, and he insists that
Government
Washington, D.C. — A government employee has thrown the United States government into a full-blown crisis by performing his duties with exceptional effectiveness and efficiency. The saga began early Monday morning when John, a mid-level bureaucrat at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), accidentally completed all of his assigned tasks