Donald Trump
WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"
Trump Administration
WASHINGTON - The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump's recent nominee, Bryan Whitmore, from consideration for Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) due to the discovery that Whitmore has several decades of experience as an infectious disease expert. "We
Local
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled. “I just don’
Surveillance
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.” “Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a
Capital Punishment
Not only is the firing squad more humane, it’s also a return to proud American traditions. When we live in such an individualistic society, there’s something refreshingly intimate about a group of dedicated marksmen coming together to complete a task by hand. No computers, no bureaucratic delays -
Trump and Zelensky
WASHINGTON - After a tumultuous meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and President Donald Trump, Trump stated during his congressional address that having a “nice steak dinner” could lead to the brokering of a peace deal with Russia. Trump, who claimed to have "brokered the best deals, the very
Democracy Dies in Darkness
WASHINGTON – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech nerd to
Adam Johns was attending a business dinner recently when the man next to him began to drone on about annuities and asset allocation. Ten minutes in, Johns had enough. But he didn't know how to escape the situation. Here are ten ways to get out of a boring
Menlo Park, CA - In a recent press conference at Meta Headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vehemently denied ongoing internet rumors claiming he is a reptilian, only to spend the subsequent two hours basking under a heat lamp installed at the podium. "The idea that I'm part of
Austin, TX — Elon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur known for his bold ventures into space and electric cars, made a controversial remark directed at former Tesla employees who were upset over their recent layoffs. In a post made on X (formerly known as Twitter) Musk told the former staff members to
ANN ARBOR, MI - A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan, which analyzed over four million job postings, found that a majority of all entry-level job postings require applicants to have at least 80 years of professional experience, be proficient in 12 languages, and be able to perform
A humor and satire website that publishes the most outrageous news and opinion pieces.
Look, I get it. Climate change is a looming existential threat, the planet is warming, and we’re all supposed to do something about it. But hear me out: What if we just... didn’t? I mean, ignoring problems has worked for me in the past. My student loans? Haven’
HEAVEN - In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with President Donald Trump, lamenting that his continued invocation of divine support is causing a “serious branding issue” for the kingdom of heaven. “Look, I’m omnipotent and all that, but even I have limits when it
Washington, DC - As a follow up to President Trump’s recent executive order forcing federal employees to work in person five days a week, Trump has issued another executive order mandating that all federal employees that are still working remotely be forcibly abducted from their homes and returned to
WASHINGTON, DC - President Trump signed an executive order Monday morning demanding the Department of Education "institute segregation within the next 90 days." Leaked memos reveal that the Department of Education is wasting no time in following orders, with reports surfacing of brand-new "blacks only" and
Des Moines, IA - Members of the Heaven’s Truth organization, who are adamant their organization is not a cult, failed to correctly predict the end of days for the fifth consecutive time in the last three years, causing widespread frustration and mild embarrassment within the group. “We really thought
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision this week, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first-ever "prescription-strength placebo," ushering in a new era for the placebo industry and Big Pharma's never-ending quest to make billions of dollars off your misery. Dr. Karen Mills, the
Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu made a post on X saying, Musk “is being falsely smeared. Elon is a great friend of Israel. He visited Israel after the October 7 massacre… [and] has since repeatedly and forcefully supported Israel’s right to defend itself against genocidal terrorists and regimes
WASHINGTON, DC - During a press conference at the White House this morning, Elon Musk delivered a speech on government efficiency, a topic he admittedly knows nothing about. The speech began with Musk confidently outlining a plan to streamline federal agencies but things took a turn when he paused mid-sentence,
MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be unable to attend President Donald Trump's inauguration due to a prior commitment: a high-level meeting of the global reptilian elite scheduled for the same day. Zuckerberg, who was slated to co-host a reception with prominent Republican
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – OpenAI whistleblower Jai Agarwal tragically died in a courtroom mere moments before he was set to testify. As Agarwal approached the witness stand to reveal alleged corporate misconduct, he reportedly let out a high-pitched scream, clutched his chest, and collapsed to the floor, twitching slightly before becoming
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a hastily arranged press conference, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg denied persistent rumors that he hosts clandestine gatherings with a shadowy cabal of reptilian overlords in his subterranean bunker. “I want to be clear: I’m just a normal, socially awkward billionaire with a penchant for BBQ
In a twist no one saw coming (except, apparently, President Joe Biden), the Commander-in-Chief is now $5 richer after winning a bet on Donald Trump taking the White House over his own Vice President, Kamala Harris. "People said I was just being my usual ‘Uncle Joe’ self," Biden