The Constitution
In a move that historians are already describing as “somehow both predictable and profoundly stupid,” President Donald Trump has added the U.S. Constitution to his official list of banned books, after Democrats urged members of the military to follow it if given illegal orders. The controversy began when Democratic
Trump Meeting
During Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s recent visit to Washington, President Donald Trump told the crown prince that he “wishes he could get away with killing a few Washington Post journalists,” according to audio captured on a hot mic. The remark was picked up while White House staffers
Ukrainian Corruption
In a refreshing moment of bureaucratic honesty, European Union (EU) officials admitted they are considering sending future Ukraine aid packages straight to the corrupt officials who would ultimately steal them anyway, thereby “saving everyone time, paperwork, and emotional exhaustion.” Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, speaking from Kyiv, rejected the idea outright,
Trump's Religion
According to an anonymous White House staffer, President Trump has erected a shrine to Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping behind his desk in the Oval Office. “He prays to it every night,” said the staffer, who claims he once overheard Trump asking the two miniature golden
International
According to statements made during a press conference, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently began adding “break ceasefire with Hamas” to his list of daily tasks, right alongside “brush teeth,” “check polls,” and “commit war crimes.” “We broke the ceasefire with Hamas and killed over a hundred people in
politics
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance downplayed messages in a Young Republicans group chat this week, equating racist texts sent by adults in their thirties to notes being passed in class by fourth graders. “I think we’ve all done things in our past,” said Vance on The Charlie Kirk Show,
What is a Christian
WASHINGTON - During a speech held at the White House, President Trump, who claims to have never asked Jesus Christ for forgiveness of his sins, claimed he has never heard of the word “Christian” nor does he know what the word means. “What does that even mean?” Trump asked, squinting
An international news satire website that publishes the most outrageous foreign policy news and opinion pieces.
MOSCOW — Responding to growing speculation over the mysterious death of opposition figure and former newspaper publisher Vyacheslav Leontyev, Russian President Vladimir Putin assured reporters that the tragedy was simply another case of what doctors call “acute gravity syndrome.” “Many of my critics suffer from a strange illness where they suddenly
WASHINGTON — The long-awaited rebranding of the Department of Defense to its more honest title, the Department of War, has been delayed, not due to any moral reckoning or sudden outbreak of self-awareness in Washington, but because the government literally cannot afford new signs right now. The White House, which announced
WASHINGTON — According to an anonymous source in the White House, the Trump Administration has quietly developed a contingency plan in case the Rapture, a biblical event where devout Christians ascend to heaven and unbelievers are left behind, occurs and former President Trump doesn’t make the cut. The plan, known
MENLO PARK, CA — What began as a highly orchestrated product launch for Meta’s new line of smart glasses quickly collapsed Thursday after reporters appeared less interested in augmented reality features and more focused on CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s alleged upcoming molting season. “Today, we’re introducing a revolutionary new
WASHINGTON - President Trump signed an executive order Friday morning to rename the Department of Defense to the Department of War, a move that is estimated to cost the government $4 million over the next two years. “We’re no longer calling it Defense Department we’re calling it War
SAN FRANCISCO - Recently announced startup Meridian Technologies, a call center and sales company, revealed they are hiring for their marketing and business development teams. According to an interview Business Insider had with CEO Joseph Latham, a major perk of employment is the guarantee of “not starving to death.” “We’
WASHINGTON - After buying a 10% stake of Intel, the Trump Administration has announced their plan to buy a majority stake of Netflix with Trump vowing to “end the liberal streaming agenda once and for all.” “We’re making Netflix great again,” Trump told reporters. “No more purple-haired baristas writing
WASHINGTON - In an effort to crack down on what Trump described as “the disgusting, liberal epidemic of jaywalking,” the president has nationalized the DC Metropolitan Police. The announcement was made from the middle of the street on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House between a police barricade.
TULSA, Okla. — Local evangelical pastor Pastor Brad Halberd of the Grace Under Fire Church announced during Sunday’s sermon that he is “absolutely thrilled” about rising tensions between Israel and Iran. “We are so close, people,” said Halberd, practically shaking with joy. “Wars, rumors of wars, global unrest, climate disasters,
COLUMBUS, Ohio — In an inspiring story of determination and rigorously poor financial planning, 38-year-old Greg Halvorsen finally achieved the elusive dream of financial freedom, by ceasing to exist. Halvorsen, who once described budgeting as “emotional terrorism,” passed away peacefully in his sleep last Thursday, thereby eliminating all outstanding debts, credit
Torn Wires sat down with Trump for a 25-minute interview, portions of which are transcribed.
KYIV—In a display of almost-cooperation, Russia and Ukraine have agreed to a prisoner swap, marking the first time in months the two nations have accomplished anything together besides blaming each other for catastrophic explosions. The deal, described by both sides as “a small but meaningful step,” involved exchanging soldiers,