Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals. “The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack
Local
SEATTLE, WA - In need of work-life balance, local resident Stephen Ericson decided to stop going to work without notifying his employer. The incident, which began one month ago, has led to Ericson continuing to receive paychecks from his employer. "The only time I even login to my work
Business
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Google announced this morning that it will begin terminating any employee who expresses an opinion—positive, negative, or otherwise—on the Israel-Palestine conflict, especially opinions that may jeopardize Google's deal to provide cloud infrastructure to Israel. The company states this policy is a key
Conspiracy Theorist
In an exclusive interview from his underground bunker, local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed Elon Musk superfan, Terry Adams, shared his theory about how Bill Gates is allegedly planning to implant microchips in people worldwide. Terry, who only communicates through encrypted messages and believes Wi-Fi signals can read thoughts, began the
Elevator
“I hope they fixed it this time.” Say this while glancing nervously at the elevator buttons and watch your fellow riders immediately text their loved ones. “Do you smell smoke?” Absolutely guaranteed to quicken pulses. This is a great way to discover who skipped leg day when they sprint out
Local
In a neighborhood that was previously known for its picket fences and well-tended lawns, residents are now grappling with a rather unusual situation. Local man Harold Thompson has allegedly stumbled upon a hidden portal in his backyard that leads directly into his neighbor's garage, and he insists that
Government
Washington, D.C. — A government employee has thrown the United States government into a full-blown crisis by performing his duties with exceptional effectiveness and efficiency. The saga began early Monday morning when John, a mid-level bureaucrat at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), accidentally completed all of his assigned tasks
Boeing has apparently sidestepped a major lawsuit after passengers on one of its planes miraculously survived a fall from a "giant hole" that appeared mid-flight. The incident, which has led to widespread disbelief, occurred last week during a flight that was, up until the hole's appearance,
1. While traveling internationally avoid being robbed by dressing like a homeless person. 2. If you are traveling internationally but you do not have enough money to pay for your trip then make some extra money by smuggling drugs into the country that you are visiting. 3. If you’re
Entertainement
LOS ANGELES - A-list actor Tom Cruise announced he’s parting ways with the Church of Scientology after realizing he hasn't been on a prolonged movie set for the past three decades. Sources close to Cruise state that for years, the actor believed his involvement with the Church
Local
In an innovative approach to health and fitness, FlexFlex Revolution Gym has unveiled its latest strategy to ensure members show up: The “Get Up or Else” membership plan. For just $29.99 a month, members can now enjoy the traditional amenities of a gym, plus the added benefit of a
International
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden expressed his deep frustration after Israel's government issued a statement claiming that the recent attack on an aid convoy was, in fact, a mistake. The President, known for his calm demeanor and aviator sunglasses, reportedly wishes Israel would just admit it
I have a tesla
In a groundbreaking study that has rocked the parking lots of Whole Foods and the driveways of Silicon Valley, researchers have concluded that a whopping 97% of Tesla drivers believe they're superior to non-Tesla motorists. The findings, published in the prestigious journal Nature, have finally provided empirical evidence
Intelligence
With the right approach and a dash of clever wordplay, you can fool almost anyone into thinking you’re the Einstein of the group.
How to be a dictator
Former American President Donald Trump, possibly in an effort to make himself look like an even worse person, read the article “How to be a Dictator” on the website Wiki-How. This information was released by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) who claims to have been monitoring the
Russia
MOSCOW - In an over the top display of political oppression, President of Russia, Vladimir Putin has had every single voter who did not vote for him in the recent election killed. "Winning an election by less than 100% is unacceptable," exclaimed Putin at a press briefing. Political