Putin Denies Involvement in Political Opponent’s Death, Cites “Rare Condition Where People Fall 70 Feet Out of Windows”
MOSCOW — Responding to growing speculation over the mysterious death of opposition figure and former newspaper publisher Vyacheslav Leontyev, Russian President Vladimir Putin assured reporters that the tragedy was simply another case of what doctors call “acute gravity syndrome.”
“Many of my critics suffer from a strange illness where they suddenly plummet from great heights,” Putin explained. “It is tragic, but you cannot blame me for a national epidemic of clumsiness.”
The Kremlin leader then produced a lengthy list of over 500 political opponents who had “tragically and coincidentally” fallen out of windows, adding that “another 175” had “accidentally stabbed themselves in the back to death.”
When pressed about whether these deaths might indicate foul play, Putin laughed maniacally for five minutes. “Nonsense. Some people are just unstable,” continued Putin. “Unstable emotionally, physically, and, apparently, in their center of gravity.”
He went on to praise Russia’s “excellent windows,” which he said were “very open, very tall, and very unforgiving.”
“As we can see from these unfortunate incidents,” Putin concluded, “the opposition suffers from chronic carelessness, terminal mental instability, and, most importantly, a deep commitment to removing themselves from my way.”
