News

Economists Warn Tariffs May Increase Prices, Trump Says: “Just Stop Buying Stuff”

As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald…
Trump Says Stranded Astronauts are Pure Evil After Finding Out they Voted for Harris

WASHINGTON – After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months,…
Trump Administration Withdraws Nomination for CDC Director After it’s Revealed that Nominee is an Expert

WASHINGTON – The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump’s recent…
Local Man Successfully Assembles IKEA Furniture Without Swearing Once

SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience…
NSA Releases Statement Urging Americans to “Stop Picking Your Nose While Using Your Computer”

The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans…
It’s Time to Bring Back the Most Humane Form of Capital Punishment – Firing Squads

Not only is the firing squad more humane, it’s also a return to proud…
Trump Suggests Ukraine Conflict Could Be Resolved Over a ‘Nice Steak Dinner’ if Zelensky Pays Check

WASHINGTON – After a tumultuous meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and President Donald…
Washington Post Opinion Section to Only Post Articles About Jeff Bezos’ Washboard Abs

WASHINGTON – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively…
Maybe If We Just Ignore Climate Change, It Will Go Away Like My Ex Did

Look, I get it. Climate change is a looming existential threat, the planet is…
God to Trump: ‘You’re Making Me Look Bad Up Here’

HEAVEN – In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with…