Department of War
WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth stated that “he will never be impeached,” declaring that the constitutional process was designed for weaker men who lack the upper-body strength necessary to defend themselves against congressional oversight. “Impeachment is for cowards, bureaucrats, and men who use moisturizer,” Hegseth declared to a
2026 Election
AUSTIN, TX - Tattoo artists are reporting a surge in requests for Texas themed ink this week, per sources on the ground across the Lone Star State. “There has been a huge influx of people coming in here asking for a Texas shaped piece - it’s like a wave, you might
Communist Purges
BEIJING — Chinese President Xi Jinping praised the Communist Party’s unprecedented unity Friday morning, declaring that the party achieved ideological harmony after successfully removing everyone who disagreed with him. “We have never been more united,” Xi announced to a room of Communist Party officials who were nodding enthusiastically while carefully
Trump’s America
CORINTH, Miss. — At a rally in Mississippi, President Trump made threats against Norway, stating, “I really don’t want to declare war on Norway, but I will if I have to so I can take that Nobel Peace Prize from their cold, dead hands.” TornWires created a game based on
Military
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senior Pentagon officials are reportedly scrambling to contain a growing crisis after recent battlefield tests revealed that enemy drones can be destroyed without the use of gold-plated missiles that cost over a million dollars. The shocking discovery has sent waves of panic through the defense establishment,
Iran War
In a landmark display of civic engagement immediately rendered meaningless, officials confirmed Tuesday that a slim majority of Americans now believe the war in Iran has not been worth it, prompting the federal government to formally acknowledge the feedback before proceeding exactly as planned. “First, we want to thank the
Trump Administration
WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump reaffirmed his long-standing interest in acquiring Greenland this week, calling the plan “totally a great idea” while appearing genuinely surprised to learn that the massive Arctic island is, in fact, not empty real estate. “People keep saying ‘there are people there,’ and I say,
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WASHINGTON — Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed deep disappointment Thursday morning after witnessing what he described as “one of the dullest explosions I’ve ever seen,” following a U.S. drone strike on a boat of suspected South American drug smugglers. “I really think that watching boat strikes is
New Delhi — The Indian government has ordered that all new smartphones come pre-loaded with a state-run cybersecurity app, assuring the public there is absolutely nothing to worry about as long as they “live a clean, patriotic, and emotionally uncomplicated life.” Prime Minister Narendra Modi dismissed privacy concerns during
ANKARA — Pope Leo XIV, on his first foreign trip as pontiff, issued a dire warning Thursday that the world is entering a period of “heightened global conflict,” solemnly declaring that “the future of humanity is at stake.” The Vatican’s message, however, was quickly undercut by members of the Pope’
WASHINGTON — After a wave of public backlash over oddly specific Russian idioms appearing throughout President Trump’s newly unveiled U.S. “peace plan” for Ukraine, the White House forcefully denied allegations that the Kremlin wrote the proposal, insisting Russia merely “shaped the document’s structure, themes, tone, flow, worldview, and
MOSCOW - As a result of the Russia-Ukraine War women in Russia have been lining up to marry Russian soldiers. However, many Russian men have been disappointed to find out that their new wives are more interested in their death benefits than the marriage itself. “I was writing my wife
WASHINGTON - In a move that historians are already describing as “somehow both predictable and profoundly stupid,” President Donald Trump has added the U.S. Constitution to his official list of banned books, after Democrats urged members of the military to follow it if given illegal orders. The controversy began when
WASHINGTON - During Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s recent visit to Washington, President Donald Trump told the crown prince that he “wishes he could get away with killing a few Washington Post journalists,” according to audio captured on a hot mic. The remark was picked up while White House
BRUSSELS - In a refreshing moment of bureaucratic honesty, European Union (EU) officials admitted they are considering sending future Ukraine aid packages straight to the corrupt officials who would ultimately steal them anyway, thereby “saving everyone time, paperwork, and emotional exhaustion.” Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, speaking from Kyiv, rejected the idea
WASHINGTON - According to an anonymous White House staffer, President Trump has erected a shrine to Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping behind his desk in the Oval Office. “He prays to it every night,” said the staffer, who claims he once overheard Trump asking the two miniature
JERUSALEM - According to statements made during a press conference, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently began adding “break ceasefire with Hamas” to his list of daily tasks, right alongside “brush teeth,” “check polls,” and “commit war crimes.” “We broke the ceasefire with Hamas and killed over a hundred people
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance downplayed messages in a Young Republicans group chat this week, equating racist texts sent by adults in their thirties to notes being passed in class by fourth graders. “I think we’ve all done things in our past,” said Vance on The Charlie Kirk Show,
WASHINGTON - During a speech held at the White House, President Trump, who claims to have never asked Jesus Christ for forgiveness of his sins, claimed he has never heard of the word “Christian” nor does he know what the word means. “What does that even mean?” Trump asked, squinting suspiciously