Biden Falling Asleep Mid-Speech Mistaken for Excessively Long Dramatic Pause

WEST POINT, NY - President Joe Biden's recent graduation speech at West Point was abruptly interrupted when he appeared to fall asleep mid-sentence. The incident, initially perceived as an excessively long dramatic pause, left viewers in a state of confusion. As the President began his address to the

Government Declares War on Piracy, Executes Local Man for Watching "Avengers: Endgame" Without Paying

CINCINNATI, OHIO - Authorities have taken drastic measures to address movie piracy by executing a local man, John Myers, for illegally streaming "Avengers: Endgame" from the comfort of his own home. This marks a new chapter in the war against copyright infringement, where harsh penalties are now the

Local Man that Always Carries Phone that Records his Every Move Fears Bill Gates is Trying to Microchip Him

SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident Steve Johnson, a 35-year-old self-proclaimed tech skeptic, is raising alarms in his community with his fervent belief that billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates is planning to microchip everyone. "I've read the articles and watched the videos," said Johnson, while holding his phone, which

Mark Zuckerberg Claims He's Not a Reptillian then Proceeds to Sit Under Heat Lamp for Two Hours

Menlo Park, CA - In a recent press conference at Meta Headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vehemently denied ongoing internet rumors claiming he is a reptilian, only to spend the subsequent two hours basking under a heat lamp installed at the podium. "The idea that I'm part of

Elon Musk Says Upset Employees Fired from Tesla Should "Get Over It" Since We are Just Living in a Simulation

Austin, TX — Elon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur known for his bold ventures into space and electric cars, made a controversial remark directed at former Tesla employees who were upset over their recent layoffs. In a post made on X (formerly known as Twitter) Musk told the former staff members to

Feminists Declare Women can be Terrorists Too

In an effort to break the glass ceiling even further, several feminist non-profit organizations have been bringing awareness to how women are rarely recruited into terrorist organizations and when they are they usually work in a less demanding capacity, as caregivers, or are simply given to men as wives. A

Boeing Preemptively Kills All Employees After Wing Detaches From Plane Mid-Flight

WASHINGTON, DC — In what's being described as a shocking overreaction, Boeing executives reportedly eliminated every employee after a wing detached from one of their planes mid-flight over Montgomery Village, MD on Wednesday. The incident, which miraculously resulted in no casualties aboard the flight, led to a drastic decision

New Study Finds That Most Entry-Level Job Postings Require 80 Years of Experience and Heart Surgery Ability

ANN ARBOR, MI - A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan, which analyzed over four million job postings, found that a majority of all entry-level job postings require applicants to have at least 80 years of professional experience, be proficient in 12 languages, and be able to perform

10 Things Only People Who Hate Mornings Understand

For those who hate mornings, each day starts with its own set of trials and tribulations. But you’re not alone in the struggle against the sunrise. Here are 10 things only people who hate mornings will understand. The Snooze Button is Your Best Friend and Worst Enemy Every morning,

Small-Town Police Chief Happy That Someone In Town was Finally Murdered, Even if it was His Wife

COLLIERVILLE, TX - Collierville, known primarily for its annual corn festival and competitive knitting circles, has now skyrocketed into infamy with its first recorded murder since, presumably, the dawn of time. The murder, described as "at least second-degree" and "definitely not an accident," occurred sometime between

In Response to Trump’s Lawyer’s Argument that President can Kill Political Rivals, Justices Say President is Only able to Kill Three Political Rivals in One Term

WASHINGTON, DC - In response to former President Trump's lawyer's "hypothetical" argument that the President is legally allowed to kill political opponents, Supreme Court justices agreed that the president is legally allowed to kill political rivals, as long as there is no more than

Citing Second Amendment, Trump’s Lawyer Argues President can Legally Order Bears to Maul Political Rivals

WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals. “The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack