Washington Post Opinion Section to Only Post Articles About Jeff Bezos' Washboard Abs
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech nerd to yacht-bound demigod.
“We realized that no matter what issue we covered—climate change, politics, economic policy—readers just kept asking, ‘But have you seen the man’s abs?’” said Editorial Director David Shipley. “It only made sense to give the people what they want.”
Effective immediately, opinion columns will explore such hard-hitting topics as ‘Should Bezos’ Abs Be on the Dollar Bill?’ and ‘Why Democracy Dies in Darkness, but Jeff Bezos Thrives in a Tanning Booth.’ A recurring feature, ‘Ripped or Responsible?,’ will debate whether the billionaire’s toned core is a symbol of hard work or an existential threat to journalism.
Sources within the newsroom say the shift follows internal frustration over past editorial decisions. “I wrote a 2,000-word op-ed on the dangers of monopolistic control in tech,” said former columnist Henry Caldwell. “It got rejected in favor of ‘A Study in Symmetry: What Jeff Bezos’ Abs Teach Us About Free Markets.’”
The change is expected to reverberate throughout the media industry. The New York Times reportedly commissioned a 12-part investigative series titled ‘How Many Crunches Must One Do to Own a Space Empire?’ Meanwhile, The Atlantic is considering renaming itself The Aesthetic.
Bezos himself has remained silent on the shift, though sources close to him suggest he’s open to an interview—so long as the questions remain focused on his sculpted, glistening washboard abs.
