Trump Orders Remote Working Federal Employees to be Abducted from Homes and Brought Back to Office
Washington, DC - As a follow up to President Trump’s recent executive order forcing federal employees to work in person five days a week, Trump has issued another executive order mandating that all federal employees that are still working remotely be forcibly abducted from their homes and returned to government office buildings immediately.
Trump declared at a press conference outside an abandoned post office he mistakenly thought was the Department of Labor, “We’re not paying these deep-state pencil pushers to sit at home in their pajamas, binge-watching CNN and eating kale chips."
According to leaked documents, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents will be deployed to federal employees' homes along with specially trained human resource officers. White House insiders confirmed that human resource officers have been issued nets and tranquilizer darts specifically for abducting federal employees.
Critics have raised concerns over the legality of what some are calling "the first ever federally-mandated kidnapping spree." Civil liberties groups have condemned the move, with one ACLU representative stating, "We thought we had reached peak absurdity when Trump suggested injecting disinfectant, but apparently, the bar is still moving."
As of press time, multiple federal employees had reportedly barricaded themselves inside their homes.
