NSA Releases Statement Urging Americans to “Stop Picking Your Nose While Using Your Computer”
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.”
“Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a hastily arranged press conference, visibly flustered as he adjusted his tie. “It’s not just a matter of personal hygiene; it’s a matter of national optics. Do you think other countries don’t see this? Do you think we don’t see this? Because trust me—we see everything.”
Visibly irritated, Haugh continued, “Look, it should be common knowledge by now that we’re monitoring every single one of you—yes, you specifically, Steve in Des Moines—but it’s like you people don’t even care. Day after day we see nose-picking. Relentless, unapologetic nose-picking. It’s revolting.”
With his voice rising and his face turning an alarming shade of crimson, Haugh added, “You think it’s bad when your coworkers catch you in the act? Imagine us, the poor NSA analysts who have to sit through hours of footage of you digging for gold like it’s an Olympic sport. Do you think we like this? Do you think we signed up for this when we applied to defend national security? I’ve got highly trained agents in therapy because of what they’ve witnessed.”
The Director offered a stern warning to all Americans: “If you must insist on mining for nasal treasure, at least have the decency to do it off-camera. Turn your webcam away. Use a tissue. And for God’s sake, wash your hands after. The amount of bacteria you’re smearing on your keyboards is a cyber-security threat in itself.”
