Name Change to Department of War Postponed Due to Government Shutdown
WASHINGTON — The long-awaited rebranding of the Department of Defense to its more honest title, the Department of War, has been delayed, not due to any moral reckoning or sudden outbreak of self-awareness in Washington, but because the government literally cannot afford new signs right now.
The White House, which announced the historic renaming earlier this year, confirmed the pause. “It’s not that we’ve had a change of heart,” said one senior aide. “We’re still fully committed to war as both a metaphor and a lifestyle. We just can’t pay the graphic designers.”
According to internal documents, the rebrand was expected to cost roughly the GDP of Guam, with most of the money going toward replacing every logo, letterhead, and PowerPoint template containing the word “Defense.” “You wouldn’t believe how many things say ‘Department of Defense,’” said one Pentagon official, gesturing toward a room full of beige folders that haven’t been touched since Desert Storm. “Even the vending machines.”
Now, with the shutdown entering its second week, even symbolic militarism must wait. “We were this close to debuting our new font, ‘Bulwark Condensed,’” said a Pentagon branding consultant. “It’s like Helvetica, but more intimidating.”
Lawmakers remain divided on when the name change should resume. One senator argued that “America cannot project strength to the world while its military stationery is out of date.” Another countered that “maybe we should project basic competence first.”
For now, the Pentagon has reportedly placed sticky notes reading “WAR (TEMP)” over its existing signage, a move some employees say feels “appropriately on brand.”
The White House insists the name change will happen “once the government is back open.” Until then, the Department of Defense will continue doing exactly what it’s always done, just under the less accurate name.
