Local Man Successfully Assembles IKEA Furniture Without Swearing Once
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled.
“I just don’t understand how it happened,” said Kevin’s wife, Lisa, still clutching a bottle of aspirin from the stress of watching in silence. “There were dowels missing. The instructions were basically a medieval treasure map. He had to use an Allen wrench, for God’s sake. And yet—nothing. Not even a ‘son of a—’. I’m scared.”
IKEA assembly has long been recognized as a universal test of human patience, with most documented cases involving at least three shouted expletives, an emotional breakdown, and a brief contemplation of setting the entire thing on fire. Kevin’s anomaly has sparked widespread confusion, leading some to question the validity of this claim.
Dr. Frederick Langley, a professor of Behavioral Studies at Springfield University, expressed skepticism. “It defies logic. The human brain, when faced with incomprehensible hieroglyphic instructions and pieces that do not align as they should, is wired to respond with profanities. To remain calm is either superhuman or highly suspicious.”
Conspiracy theories have already begun circulating, with some suggesting Kevin had prior knowledge of the bookshelf’s schematics. Others suspect he was under the influence of powerful tranquilizers or, more outlandishly, that he is a robot sent by IKEA’s corporate overlords to gaslight the public into thinking their furniture is ‘easy to assemble.’
City officials have since announced an investigation. “If we allow this to go unchecked, what’s next? Calm DMV visits? Constructive political debates? People using their turn signals?” said Mayor Daniel Prescott. “We must get to the bottom of this.”
Meanwhile, Kevin remains humble about his accomplishment. “I just followed the instructions and took deep breaths,” he shrugged. When asked if he’d consider assembling another IKEA item in the future, he hesitated before replying, “Let’s not push it.”
The bookshelf, despite being fully assembled, now leans at a 15-degree angle. A GoFundMe has been started for Kevin’s inevitable therapy bills.
