Local Man Achieves Financial Freedom by Dying
COLUMBUS, Ohio — In an inspiring story of determination and rigorously poor financial planning, 38-year-old Greg Halvorsen finally achieved the elusive dream of financial freedom, by ceasing to exist.
Halvorsen, who once described budgeting as “emotional terrorism,” passed away peacefully in his sleep last Thursday, thereby eliminating all outstanding debts, credit card balances, and that one mysterious monthly charge.
For years, Halvorsen had wrestled with student loans, medical debt, and a subscription to Hulu he no longer used but was too ashamed to cancel. In life, he was hounded by collections agencies, but in death, he is finally unbothered. Sources confirm CapitalOne is “still considering next steps.”
“He beat the system,” said his cousin, Stephanie Halvorsen, while quietly updating her Venmo to split the cost of his cremation.
Financial experts agree that while Greg’s strategy lacks long-term sustainability, it does offer short-term serenity and a 100% success rate at eliminating housing costs and insurance premiums.
“His credit score didn’t improve exactly,” said Experian in a written statement. “But let’s just say it’s not going down.”
Friends and family plan to celebrate Greg’s newfound fiscal liberation at a memorial potluck next weekend, where instead of flowers, guests are encouraged to bring shredded loan statements and expired gym contracts to be ceremonially burned.
In lieu of a eulogy, Greg’s final will and testament simply read: “Tell Sallie Mae to suck it.”
