Israel and Hamas Peace Talks to Be Held as Soon as Both Sides Finish Making the Situation Unpeaceful
TEL AVIV, Israel — In an attempt to make the world a more peaceful place, Israel and Hamas have announced plans to hold peace talks immediately after both sides are finished actively making the situation as unpeaceful as possible.
Sources close to the negotiations confirm that representatives from both sides are working tirelessly to ensure that the preconditions for the peace talks—specifically, an atmosphere of maximum chaos, destruction, and retaliatory violence—are fully met before any dialogue commences.
“We’re on the same page here,” said an Israeli spokesperson, dodging a reporter’s follow-up question as air raid sirens blared in the background. “Both parties agree that peace talks cannot be fruitful unless they are preceded by an extensive period of mutual destruction, in order to reset the baseline for how bad things can get.”
Hamas, for its part, issued a statement via underground Telegram channels, emphasizing its own commitment to the peace process: “We remain fully dedicated to peace talks, but only once we have completed the necessary step of firing an unspecified number of rockets and ensuring a sufficiently high body count. It’s important to have something to talk about.”
Experts note that this strategy—known in diplomatic circles as the Destruction-to-Dialogue Model—has been a mainstay of Middle East peace efforts for decades, typically followed by a brief pause in hostilities, then a return to the status quo of mutual animosity.
“We call it the ‘Reset Button of Regional Stability,’” explained Dr. Miriam Feldstein, a Middle East conflict analyst. “The idea is that once the situation becomes so untenable that no one can stand it anymore, everyone briefly agrees to stop, until they forget how bad it was and start over.”
In preparation for the talks, both sides have been stockpiling fresh grievances, producing new propaganda materials, and running simulations of potential ceasefire violations.
Meanwhile, the international community has responded with its usual measured urgency. The United Nations released a statement expressing “deep concern” and called for “restraint on all sides,” while Western leaders issued a joint declaration reading, in part: “We strongly urge both sides to stop doing whatever they’re doing, unless they don’t feel like it, in which case, we understand.”
Peace talks are tentatively scheduled for “sometime next week, probably,” according to officials, provided both parties can ensure the current cycle of violence is thoroughly unsustainable.
“Once we make the situation so unlivable that peace is literally the only option, we’ll be ready to sit down and talk,” said an Israeli negotiator, while Hamas representatives nodded vigorously in a bunker nearby.
