Elon Musk to Start Defense Contracting Company to Steal More Money from Americans
AUSTIN, TX - Elon Musk announced plans this week to launch a new defense contracting firm, StarBrigade, aimed at accelerating his long-term vision of profiting off every corner of human existence, including international conflict.
At a press conference held at Tesla's headquarters, Musk explained his motivation. “I’ve conquered electric cars, space, memes, and Twitter. The next logical step is war.”
The company, according to preliminary documents filed with the Pentagon, will specialize in developing “tactical freedom accelerators,” “AI-powered patriotism,” and “non-consensual orbit-based democracy deployment systems.”
When asked to clarify what any of that meant, Musk shrugged and mumbled, “You wouldn’t get it. It’s like blockchain, but with more explosions.”
Defense analysts say the move fits neatly in Musk’s business model of monetizing publicly funded ideas, slapping a meme on them, and pretending they’re new. “He’s basically a government program in a leather jacket,” said one Pentagon insider, “except with more weed jokes and less accountability.”
Critics have pointed out that Musk has already siphoned billions in taxpayer subsidies through Tesla, SpaceX, and the Boring Company which promised to revolutionize transportation but mostly created tunnels for rich people to avoid traffic and peasants.
“Now he’s found the real money pit,” said economist Marla Holloway. “Defense contracts are like yachts for billionaires—ostentatious, unnecessary, and only useful for impressing other billionaires who also own yachts.”
