Citing Second Amendment, Trump’s Lawyer Argues President can Legally Order Bears to Maul Political Rivals
WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals.
“The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack Sauer, Trump’s lawyer. “It only follows that if citizens can use bears for self-defense then, due to the president’s absolute immunity, the president can use them to kill political rivals.”
A look of shock came across the Supreme Court justices faces.
“Let’s be clear,” asked Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “Are you suggesting that the framers of the Constitution intended for private citizens—and more specifically, the President—to deploy bears as weapons?”
“Yes, usually for self defense,” explained Sauer. “It’s about the freedom to leverage all available resources for one’s protection and political maneuvering. Bears, historically known for their strength and loyalty to their handlers, fit this category."
Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson nodded her head in agreement. “Bears are loyal,” she said.
Ultimately, the Supreme Court’s decision will hinge on their interpretation of the Constitution's text and historical intent. However, legal experts we consulted have suggested that while bears are mentioned in the constitution, it is not likely that the constitution's framers intended for bears to be used for mauling political rivals.
