9 Reasons Why You Should Start a Cult Today

So, you’ve grown tired of the daily grind, and your side hustle isn't getting you the mansion and private island you always dreamed of? Well, it might be time to start a cult. Before you dismiss this idea as “morally dubious” or “a quick way to get on the FBI's radar,” hear me out. Cults have a lot going for them, and I’m here to walk you through why starting one might just be the best decision you’ll ever make.

1. Unlimited Power Over Your Followers

Let’s be honest, who doesn't want to be treated like a god? In a cult, you can have people bow to your every whim, no matter how ridiculous. Feel like changing your name to "Supreme Leader Zargoth the Omnipotent"? Go for it. After all, when you're the one writing the rules, you might as well have some fun with it.

2. Tax-Free Status

Did you know that religious organizations often enjoy tax-exempt status? That means you can rake in the cash without the IRS knocking on your door. Just slap on a catchy name for your cult—sorry, new religious movement—and watch those donations pour in. And remember, it's not a scam if they want to give you their life savings.

3. Free Labor (Just Call It "Spiritual Devotion")

Tired of paying for things like lawn care or grocery shopping? In your cult, that’s all taken care of! Your devoted followers will do anything you ask, believing it’s all part of some grand cosmic plan. Need someone to paint your house? Done. Need a personal chef? Just handpick someone from your flock. It’s like having interns, but they’re much less likely to sue.

4. Endless Supply of Fancy Titles

When you run a cult, you can create your own hierarchy of unnecessarily grand titles, which means no boring titles like CEO, President, or Manager. Why be a mere mortal leader when you can be "The Eternal Flame of Wisdom" or "The Divine Conduit of the Universe"? Titles are an essential part of the cult experience and a great way to keep your followers in line—because who wouldn’t want to please "The Grand High Custodian of Cosmic Truths"?

5. Instant Community

Feeling lonely? Craving a sense of belonging? When you start a cult, you’re not just the leader—you’re the heart of a community. Of course this community might believe that wearing tinfoil hats wards off evil spirits, but they’re your people. You can all bond over shared rituals, inside jokes, and the occasional awkward FBI surveillance van parked outside your compound. It's like a family, but with more chanting and less judgment.

6. Flexible Reality (Who Needs Facts Anyway?)

In your cult, you get to decide what’s true. The Earth is flat? Sure, why not. The government is controlled by lizard people? Absolutely. Pineapple on pizza is a sign of the apocalypse? Preach it! Reality is what you make of it, and the best part is, your followers will nod along to whatever you say. It's like living in your own personalized sitcom where everyone laughs at your jokes—even the terrible ones.

7. Eternal Legacy (Or at Least Until the Documentary Airs)

Forget about being a footnote in history—when you start a cult, you’re practically guaranteed a Netflix documentary. Long after you’re gone (or living in a secluded bunker), people will remember your name. Sure, they might remember you as the eccentric leader who convinced people to worship a giant turnip, but hey, publicity is publicity. And think of the merch opportunities!

8. Creative Outlets Galore (Crafts, Chants, and Conspiracy Theories)

Starting a cult is the ultimate form of self-expression. From designing elaborate rituals and ceremonies to writing your own books, the possibilities are endless. Not to mention the conspiracy theories! Who knew that making up wild stories about ancient aliens and secret world governments could be so creatively fulfilling?

9. It’s All About the Love (Or Something Like That)

At the end of the day, cults are really just about bringing people together. Sure, they might be brought together by a shared delusion, but isn’t that what love is all about? Whether it’s the love of a benevolent leader (that’s you!) or the love of obscure rituals involving goats and glitter, a cult is all about fostering connections. And who knows, maybe in your search for followers, you’ll find that true, unconditional love you’ve always been looking for—just don’t forget to write it into the doctrine.

Conclusion: What Are You Waiting For?

So, what are you waiting for? Starting a cult could be the most rewarding (and tax-deductible) adventure of your life. Just remember, when the authorities eventually come knocking, plead the fifth. Until then, enjoy the ride—you’ve earned it, Supreme Leader Zargoth.

Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and not an actual endorsement of cult creation. Please don't start a cult. Seriously.