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New Study Finds That Most Entry-Level Job Postings Require 80 Years of Experience and Heart Surgery Ability

Torn Wires

May 2, 2024 — 1 min read

ANN ARBOR, MI - A recent study conducted by the University of Michigan, which analyzed over four million job postings, found that a majority of all entry-level job postings require applicants to have at least 80 years of professional experience, be proficient in 12 languages, and be able to perform open-heart surgery.

Becky Smith, a recent college graduate with 22 years life experience, encountered a similar situation while preparing her resume for a recent graduate position in social media management. "I was surprised to learn that the job required a minimum of 60 years of experience, a Nobel Peace Prize, and the ability to speak fluent Swahili," explained Smith.

CEO John Silver of Obscure Solutions defended his companies hiring practices exclaiming, "It's not unreasonable at all. How can we trust someone to handle our social media accounts if they haven't mediated peace in a war-torn country? However, we are having trouble finding qualified applicants."

Mark Zuckerberg Claims He's Not a Reptillian then Proceeds to Sit Under Heat Lamp for Two Hours

Menlo Park, CA - In a recent press conference at Meta Headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vehemently denied ongoing internet rumors claiming he is a reptilian, only to spend the subsequent two hours basking under a heat lamp installed at the podium. "The idea that I'm part of

Elon Musk Says Upset Employees Fired from Tesla Should "Get Over It" Since We are Just Living in a Simulation

Austin, TX — Elon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur known for his bold ventures into space and electric cars, made a controversial remark directed at former Tesla employees who were upset over their recent layoffs. In a post made on X (formerly known as Twitter) Musk told the former staff members to

Feminists Declare Women can be Terrorists Too

In an effort to break the glass ceiling even further, several feminist non-profit organizations have been bringing awareness to how women are rarely recruited into terrorist organizations and when they are they usually work in a less demanding capacity, as caregivers, or are simply given to men as wives. A

Boeing Preemptively Kills All Employees After Wing Detaches From Plane Mid-Flight

WASHINGTON, DC — In what's being described as a shocking overreaction, Boeing executives reportedly eliminated every employee after a wing detached from one of their planes mid-flight over Montgomery Village, MD on Wednesday. The incident, which miraculously resulted in no casualties aboard the flight, led to a drastic decision

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Mark Zuckerberg Claims He's Not a Reptillian then Proceeds to Sit Under Heat Lamp for Two Hours

Elon Musk Says Upset Employees Fired from Tesla Should "Get Over It" Since We are Just Living in a Simulation

Feminists Declare Women can be Terrorists Too

Boeing Preemptively Kills All Employees After Wing Detaches From Plane Mid-Flight