US Presidency to be Decided by an Egg-And-Spoon Race

In a rare intervention by the Supreme Court in America, it has handed down a ruling that an ancient law governing presidential elections is to be enacted for the upcoming 2024 presidential election. This states that the two leading candidates must compete in an egg-and-spoon race over one hundred yards. The winner of this race will become president.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, an egg-and-spoon race is a novelty race in which the contestants each carry an egg in a spoon over a given distance until they cross the finish line. This they must do without dropping the egg. Contestants may either run or walk. Originally, if a contestant dropped the egg, he or she was disqualified, but the modern rules allow the egg to be picked up and the contestant continue to the finish line.

John Hancock put the ancient law on the American statute books in 1776, shortly after he signed the declaration of independence. In a fledgling independent America, it was of great concern to Congress at that time that elections should be free, fair, and never interfered with by the leading candidates. The ballot boxes in those days were made of straw woven into the shape of a soccer ball by blind nuns. Tampering with the ballot papers was easy and reports of electoral fraud were common. So, Hancock put in place a default law. Should the risk of electoral tampering become unacceptably high, then this default law would be enacted.

The Supreme Court has deemed that now is the time to enact the default law. A statement issued by the Supreme Court read:

“Now that the two main candidates for the position as president of the United States have been determined, this court has decided to invoke ‘Ovum et Cochleare Genus Iuris’ (the egg-and-spoon race law). The rationale for this decision is a) Ex president Donald Trump is not to be trusted with matters relating to the integrity of the US electoral system. He has proven himself to be dishonest in this regard. However, we have already ruled that his name will remain on the ballot paper due to his large base of supporters. b) President Joe Biden is a doddery old fart and will never last a hundred yards carrying a spoon with an egg balanced on it. Therefore, our boss Trump will be a shoe-in for the job, no come-backs!”

The news of the electoral rule change has not gone down well in the Biden camp.

“It’s a fucking stitch-up!” screeched Joe Biden’s political strategist Jenny O’Malley Dillon to a hastily assembled room full of press hounds, “Joe will never last a hundred yards without a nap.”

However, the Trump camp could hardly contain their delight when answering questions from the press.

“The president is quietly confident that he can win the race,” cooed Susie Wiles, Trump’s campaign manager, “Sleepy Joe’s hands shake so badly, he’ll be dropping the frickin’ egg every two paces!”

However, Wiles’ confidence isn’t reflected in the betting odds on the race. These have Biden by far the favourite to win.

“Wiles is forgetting one key factor,” said Ava Punt, the spokesperson for the American Gaming Association, “Joe’s been fitted with training wheels.”