Democracy Dies in Darkness
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech
End of the World
Des Moines, IA - Members of the Heaven’s Truth organization, who are adamant their organization is not a cult, failed to correctly predict the end of days for the fifth consecutive time in the last three years, causing widespread frustration and mild embarrassment within the group. “We really thought
The Reptillian Elite
MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be unable to attend President Donald Trump's inauguration due to a prior commitment: a high-level meeting of the global reptilian elite scheduled for the same day. Zuckerberg, who was slated to co-host a reception with prominent Republican
Whistleblowers
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – OpenAI whistleblower Jai Agarwal tragically died in a courtroom mere moments before he was set to testify. As Agarwal approached the witness stand to reveal alleged corporate misconduct, he reportedly let out a high-pitched scream, clutched his chest, and collapsed to the floor, twitching slightly before becoming
politics
In a twist no one saw coming (except, apparently, President Joe Biden), the Commander-in-Chief is now $5 richer after winning a bet on Donald Trump taking the White House over his own Vice President, Kamala Harris. "People said I was just being my usual ‘Uncle Joe’ self," Biden
Creepy
San Francisco, CA — In a move to clear up any confusion surrounding his latest venture, Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI and CEO of World, the organization formerly known as Worldcoin, reassured the public today that the new biometric eye-scanning devices popping up around the world are "definitely, 100%, without
Satire
Mar-a-Lago, FL— Speaking from his home in Florida, Trump made a statement explaining that the recent Georgia school shooting is a tragedy but could have been avoided if school crossing guards had machine guns. "Let me tell you something, folks," Trump began. "If those school crossing guards
Satire
So, you’ve grown tired of the daily grind, and your side hustle isn't getting you the mansion and private island you always dreamed of? Well, it might be time to start a cult. Before you dismiss this idea as “morally dubious” or “a quick way to get
Satire
Local 38-year-old office worker Dave Jenkins, who once considered a brisk walk to the fridge his daily exercise, now boasts a far more rigid routine. "I used to think, 'Hey, I’ll just have a cup of coffee and head to work,'" Dave recalls wistfully. "
Satire
WEST POINT, NY - President Joe Biden's recent graduation speech at West Point was abruptly interrupted when he appeared to fall asleep mid-sentence. The incident, initially perceived as an excessively long dramatic pause, left viewers in a state of confusion. As the President began his address to the
Satire
CINCINNATI, OHIO - Authorities have taken drastic measures to address movie piracy by executing a local man, John Myers, for illegally streaming "Avengers: Endgame" from the comfort of his own home. This marks a new chapter in the war against copyright infringement, where harsh penalties are now the
Satire
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident Steve Johnson, a 35-year-old self-proclaimed tech skeptic, is raising alarms in his community with his fervent belief that billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates is planning to microchip everyone. "I've read the articles and watched the videos," said Johnson, while holding his phone, which
Satire
Menlo Park, CA - In a recent press conference at Meta Headquarters, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vehemently denied ongoing internet rumors claiming he is a reptilian, only to spend the subsequent two hours basking under a heat lamp installed at the podium. "The idea that I'm part of
Satire
Austin, TX — Elon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur known for his bold ventures into space and electric cars, made a controversial remark directed at former Tesla employees who were upset over their recent layoffs. In a post made on X (formerly known as Twitter) Musk told the former staff members to
Satire
In an effort to break the glass ceiling even further, several feminist non-profit organizations have been bringing awareness to how women are rarely recruited into terrorist organizations and when they are they usually work in a less demanding capacity, as caregivers, or are simply given to men as wives. A
Satire
WASHINGTON, DC — In what's being described as a shocking overreaction, Boeing executives reportedly eliminated every employee after a wing detached from one of their planes mid-flight over Montgomery Village, MD on Wednesday. The incident, which miraculously resulted in no casualties aboard the flight, led to a drastic decision