Business
SAN FRANCISCO - Recently announced startup Meridian Technologies, a call center and sales company, revealed they are hiring for their marketing and business development teams. According to an interview Business Insider had with CEO Joseph Latham, a major perk of employment is the guarantee of “not starving to death.” “We’
Jaywalking
WASHINGTON - In an effort to crack down on what Trump described as “the disgusting, liberal epidemic of jaywalking,” the president has nationalized the DC Metropolitan Police. The announcement was made from the middle of the street on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House between a police barricade.
Apocalypse
TULSA, Okla. — Local evangelical pastor Pastor Brad Halberd of the Grace Under Fire Church announced during Sunday’s sermon that he is “absolutely thrilled” about rising tensions between Israel and Iran. “We are so close, people,” said Halberd, practically shaking with joy. “Wars, rumors of wars, global unrest, climate disasters,
The Fake News Media
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump this week ordered the deportation of CNN White House correspondent James Costa directly into an El Salvadorian maximum-security prison after the reporter had the audacity to ask “a rude, nasty, very disrespectful question” about inflation. The press conference, which was intended to be a "
Elon Musk
AUSTIN, TX - Elon Musk announced plans this week to launch a new defense contracting firm, StarBrigade, aimed at accelerating his long-term vision of profiting off every corner of human existence, including international conflict. At a press conference held at Tesla's headquarters, Musk explained his motivation. “I’ve
The Economy
BOSTON - Local man Kyle Henderson has found a way to personally combat inflation. He simply never reimburses his friends. "They say the dollar doesn't stretch like it used to," Kyle explained while sipping from a coffee he definitely didn't pay for. "So
Parenting
SEATTLE - Tired of their four-year-old daughter "bragging" about wanting to be a princess, local mother Mindy Pinkerton and father Daniel Pinkerton crushed their daughters hopes and dreams by explaining "it's about time she grows up" and realizes that she's not special
Donald Trump
WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"
Surveillance
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.” “Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a
Democracy Dies in Darkness
WASHINGTON – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech nerd to
End of the World
DES MOINES, IOWA - Members of the Heaven’s Truth organization, who are adamant their organization is not a cult, failed to correctly predict the end of days for the fifth consecutive time in the last three years, causing widespread frustration and mild embarrassment within the group. “We really thought
The Reptillian Elite
MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be unable to attend President Donald Trump's inauguration due to a prior commitment: a high-level meeting of the global reptilian elite scheduled for the same day. Zuckerberg, who was slated to co-host a reception with prominent Republican
Whistleblowers
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – OpenAI whistleblower Jai Agarwal tragically died in a courtroom mere moments before he was set to testify. As Agarwal approached the witness stand to reveal alleged corporate misconduct, he reportedly let out a high-pitched scream, clutched his chest, and collapsed to the floor, twitching slightly before becoming
politics
In a twist no one saw coming (except, apparently, President Joe Biden), the Commander-in-Chief is now $5 richer after winning a bet on Donald Trump taking the White House over his own Vice President, Kamala Harris. "People said I was just being my usual ‘Uncle Joe’ self," Biden
Creepy
San Francisco, CA — In a move to clear up any confusion surrounding his latest venture, Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI and CEO of World, the organization formerly known as Worldcoin, reassured the public today that the new biometric eye-scanning devices popping up around the world are "definitely, 100%, without
Satire
Mar-a-Lago, FL— Speaking from his home in Florida, Trump made a statement explaining that the recent Georgia school shooting is a tragedy but could have been avoided if school crossing guards had machine guns. "Let me tell you something, folks," Trump began. "If those school crossing guards