Sam Altman Says his Company’s Eye Scanning Orb is “Definitely” Not Part of a Plan to Plot World Domination
San Francisco, CA — In a move to clear up any confusion surrounding his latest venture, Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI and CEO of World, the organization formerly known as Worldcoin, reassured the public today that the new biometric eye-scanning devices popping up around the world are "definitely, 100%, without a doubt" not part of a plan to take over the planet.
"Look, I get it. You see a giant, metallic sphere asking for your iris, and your first thought is, ‘Well, here comes the dystopian AI overlord,’” said Altman, speaking to a group of mildly terrified reporters. “But that’s just not true. We’re really only interested in, you know, solving fundamental challenges for humanity — like identifying your eyeballs and...um...whatever else we can do with that data."
The device, which has been affectionately dubbed "The Orb," is part of Altman’s initiative to create a global digital identity system. “People always ask why it looks so menacing,” said Altman, nervously glancing at the glowing sphere beside him. “And to that, I say: aesthetics.”
Despite the vaguely threatening design and the fact that The Orb has a habit of staring deep into your soul as if it knows your browser history, Altman insists there’s nothing to worry about. "We’re just verifying that people are real. It’s not like we’re going to create a massive global database that could be used to monitor every single human being in real time... because that would be wrong," he added, while nodding a little too enthusiastically.
However, critics are not convinced. “This feels like the plot of every sci-fi movie ever,” said Jessica Chang, a digital privacy reporter. “First it’s ‘Oh, let’s scan your eyeballs for ID,’ and next thing you know, there are drones following you down the street asking if you've ‘completed your daily tasks’."
Altman, undeterred, pushed back against the skeptics. “We’re making the world a better place by making sure every person has a unique, verified identity,” he said. “This is not some creepy, Orwellian nightmare where we have complete control over every aspect of your life.”
Pressed on whether there were any long-term plans for The Orb, Altman hesitated before replying, “Well, there’s always the potential for ‘expansion’... like scanning other things besides irises... Anyway, who wants to talk about AI and robots?”
As the press conference concluded, Altman made sure to add a final note of comfort. “To all the conspiracy theorists out there, I just want to say: relax. World domination would be way too much work. Trust me. I've thought about it. We’re just here to build cool technology... that happens to scan your eyes and catalog your identity. But it's not world domination.”
