Evangelical Pastor "Ecstatic" About Prospect of Israel-Iran War, Says "End Times Will Finally Happen"
TULSA, Okla. — Local evangelical pastor Pastor Brad Halberd of the Grace Under Fire Church announced during Sunday’s sermon that he is “absolutely thrilled” about rising tensions between Israel and Iran.
“We are so close, people,” said Halberd, practically shaking with joy. “Wars, rumors of wars, global unrest, climate disasters, it’s like God is binge-releasing Revelation one seal at a time!”
The congregation responded with a mixture of applause, shouts of “Amen!,” and one elderly woman waving a laminated timeline of the Book of Daniel she keeps in her purse.
According to Halberd, the possibility of an Israel-Iran conflict is “an absolute gift from the Lord."
“Look, I know war is tragic or whatever,” said Halberd, gesturing vaguely at a globe, “but the faster we get to seven-headed dragons and the Antichrist, the sooner I get my glorified body and beachfront mansion in the New Jerusalem.”
In an exclusive interview after the sermon, Pastor Halberd clarified his theological stance.
“People keep saying we should pray for peace. But peace delays prophecy! I’ve been preaching the end times for 40 years. I want results. If I die of natural causes, it will feel like I lost.”
When asked whether he was concerned about actual human suffering in the Middle East, Halberd chuckled, “Oh, I don’t worry about that. I’ll be raptured before things get really bad, like right when they announce the cashless global currency. I’ve already thrown away all my debit cards just to be safe.”
In closing his sermon, Halberd urged everyone to “pray that Israel bombs Iran, lovingly, of course, so that God can finally get on with things.”
