Doomsday Cult Disappointed Yet Again as World Fails to End for Fifth Consecutive Prophecy
Des Moines, IA - Members of the Heaven’s Truth organization, who are adamant their organization is not a cult, failed to correctly predict the end of days for the fifth consecutive time in the last three years, causing widespread frustration and mild embarrassment within the group.
“We really thought this was the one,” sighed cult leader Brother Zephaniah, who had assured followers that January 29, 2025, would bring “fire, brimstone, and at least one giant celestial serpent.” Instead, the morning sun rose as usual, casting an awkward glow on dozens of devoted doomsday enthusiasts waiting in their bunkers, wondering whether they should go back to their day jobs.
The group had meticulously prepared for this latest end-times event, having sold their belongings, quit their jobs, and even taken out loans they had no intention of repaying. “The banks were gonna burn in the divine purge anyway,” said one disappointed follower, Sister Miriam, who now finds herself both spiritually lost and financially bankrupt.
“Sure, it’s frustrating,” admitted Brother Elijah, an elder in the cult. “But to be fair, we’ve been wrong four times already, so statistically, we’re bound to be right soon.”
In an effort to keep morale high, Brother Zephaniah has already announced a new doomsday date: April 17, 2025. “This time, we mean it,” he declared, failing to acknowledge that he had said the exact same thing last September.
