Tom Cruise Leaves Scientology, Realizes It’s Not a Prolonged Movie Role
LOS ANGELES - A-list actor Tom Cruise announced he’s parting ways with the Church of Scientology after realizing he hasn't been on a prolonged movie set for the past three decades.
Sources close to Cruise state that for years, the actor believed his involvement with the Church was merely a method-acting immersion for an upcoming role in an "epic space opera-slash-action-slash-drama." "I mean, every day felt like a dramatic scene," said Cruise. "Intense dialogues, special terms, cool uniforms. I kept waiting for Spielberg or Tarantino to yell 'cut,' but it never happened."
His epiphany reportedly came when he was discussing his "latest role" with fellow actor Daniel Day-Lewis. "I told Daniel about the elaborate set, the auditions—err, I mean audits—and the great backstory about aliens and volcanoes," Cruise said. "And he was like, 'Man, even I wouldn’t go that deep for a role.'"
Cruise was further confounded when he couldn’t find his so-called "Scientology movie" on his IMDb page. "I even checked Rotten Tomatoes to see if there were any early reviews. Nothing. That's when it hit me."
The Church of Scientology released a brief statement, reading, "We always knew Tom was dedicated, but mistaking a global religion for a movie role? Now that’s commitment."
As of now, Cruise is reportedly just happy to “take a break from filming.” As he told reporters while sunning on a yacht, "Honestly, I’m just relieved I won't have to attend any more script readings—uh, I mean church services—for a while."
