Elon Musk
AUSTIN, TX - Elon Musk announced plans this week to launch a new defense contracting firm, StarBrigade, aimed at accelerating his long-term vision of profiting off every corner of human existence, including international conflict. At a press conference held at Tesla's headquarters, Musk explained his motivation. “I’ve
Trade War
As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald Trump’s latest round of proposed tariffs, the president offered a characteristically unconventional solution on Friday: “Just stop buying stuff.” At a press conference, Trump unveiled a sweeping proposal to expand tariffs on countries he described
Donald Trump
WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"
The Almighty
HEAVEN - In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with President Donald Trump, lamenting that his continued invocation of divine support is causing a “serious branding issue” for the kingdom of heaven. “Look, I’m omnipotent and all that, but even I have limits when it
politics
In a twist no one saw coming (except, apparently, President Joe Biden), the Commander-in-Chief is now $5 richer after winning a bet on Donald Trump taking the White House over his own Vice President, Kamala Harris. "People said I was just being my usual ‘Uncle Joe’ self," Biden
Satire
Mar-a-Lago, FL— Speaking from his home in Florida, Trump made a statement explaining that the recent Georgia school shooting is a tragedy but could have been avoided if school crossing guards had machine guns. "Let me tell you something, folks," Trump began. "If those school crossing guards
Satire
WEST POINT, NY - President Joe Biden's recent graduation speech at West Point was abruptly interrupted when he appeared to fall asleep mid-sentence. The incident, initially perceived as an excessively long dramatic pause, left viewers in a state of confusion. As the President began his address to the
Business
SILICON VALLEY, CA - Google announced this morning that it will begin terminating any employee who expresses an opinion—positive, negative, or otherwise—on the Israel-Palestine conflict, especially opinions that may jeopardize Google's deal to provide cloud infrastructure to Israel. The company states this policy is a key
Global Climate Change
Governor Greg Abbott proudly signed into law a bill that has taken a bold step to put an end to the alleged hoax that is climate change by declaring climate change illegal. The new law, dubbed the "Climate Denial Act," makes it a criminal offense to discuss or
Dead Potted Plant
As polls show that the Biden Administration's popularity ratings have been rapidly declining, the Administration has opted to remove Vice President Harris from office and replace her with one of the plants from Biden's Delaware home. Unfortunately, Biden has forgotten to water the plant for some
Supreme Court
In a move that has stunned the US judiciary and legal pundits around the world, the US Supreme Court handed down a ruling today that ex president and comb over cretin Donald Trump’s hair can actually file for divorce. “This was totally unexpected and out of the blue,” said
Israel
Washington — According to an anonymous source, when President Joe Biden hugged the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, in October, Biden whispered in Netanyahu’s ear, “where am I.” Witnesses that where with the president reported that the Israeli Prime Minister, slightly confused, reciprocated the hug while gently reminding President Biden
Biden
Washington, D.C. — In what political historians are calling an unprecedented revelation, President Joe Biden reportedly discovered he was the President of the United States on his 81st birthday, thanks to a sign held by White House aides that read, "Happy Birthday, Mr. President!" Sources close to the
Biden
President Joe Biden has miraculously come to the realization that he is, in fact, the President of the United States. And as if that wasn't enough to stun the nation into silence, he has also single-handedly solved the Middle East crisis. The man who once forgot his own
politics
In a shocking turn of events, white politician John McWhiterson recently made a jaw-dropping statement, declaring that he can magically transform into being half black if it ensures him more votes in the upcoming elections. While his intentions might have been to attract a diverse voter base, critics are calling