Local Man Achieves Peak Health by Following Every Morning Show Health Tip
Local 38-year-old office worker Dave Jenkins, who once considered a brisk walk to the fridge his daily exercise, now boasts a far more rigid routine.
"I used to think, 'Hey, I’ll just have a cup of coffee and head to work,'" Dave recalls wistfully. "But then Dr. Emerson on Wake Up and Worry said caffeine could stunt my chi, so I switched to turmeric-infused matcha tea with a hint of goji berries. It only takes 45 minutes to make, and by then, I've missed the bus, but it’s worth it for my soul."
After the tea, he moves on to his daily 15-minute sun-gazing session because, according to The Smiling Sunrise Show, looking directly into the sun for "just the right amount of time" is a natural way to absorb Vitamin D. The exact duration is still under debate, as Dave recently had to miss a week of work due to what his doctor called “mild sun blindness.”
Next up is the mandatory cold shower, because nothing says "good morning" like the feeling of hypothermia. "It’s invigorating," said Dave as he shivered. "Sure, I can't feel my fingers for the first hour, but that’s just the toxins leaving my body—right?"
The true test of Dave’s dedication, however, comes with his breakfast. Dave now enjoys a kale and quinoa smoothie, garnished with chia seeds, maca powder, and whatever superfood is currently trending. "Last week, it was powdered yak horn," Dave mentions, chewing on what appears to be a piece of the Himalayan mountains. "I hear it's great for your digestion and aura."
Dave also spends his entire commute listening to health podcasts that recommend everything from intermittent fasting to not fasting at all but eating every two minutes to keep the metabolism "on its toes." This has led to some awkward moments on the subway, particularly when he tried to mix his smoothie during rush hour.
Friends have started referring to Dave as "The Walking Wellness Encyclopedia," though some suggest "The Guy Who Needs an Intervention" might be more accurate. When asked if he plans to scale back his routines, Dave is resolute. "You can't put a price on health," he insists. "Though, if you add up all the supplements, powders, and classes, it's about the same as a down payment on a small condo."
At press time, Dave was last seen heading to the emergency room after attempting a DIY colon irrigation he saw on The Good Morning Show. His final words before losing consciousness were, "At least I’ll be regular."
