Boeing Preemptively Kills All Employees After Wing Detaches From Plane Mid-Flight
WASHINGTON, DC — In what's being described as a shocking overreaction, Boeing executives reportedly eliminated every employee after a wing detached from one of their planes mid-flight over Montgomery Village, MD on Wednesday. The incident, which miraculously resulted in no casualties aboard the flight, led to a drastic decision by company leadership in an effort to silence potential whistleblowers.
According to sources, Boeing’s top executives convened an emergency meeting immediately after the incident was reported. "No one talks, everyone walks... to the afterlife," was allegedly the grim directive issued by the CEO, who was later seen operating a guillotine in the parking lot.
Police were called to Boeing’s headquarters after a janitor, miraculously spared due to being on a bathroom break, reported a suspiciously high volume of executive laughter mixed with the ominous sound of a wood chipper. "It was like something out of a horror movie, but with more PowerPoint presentations in the background," the janitor told reporters.
The FAA launched an investigation not only into the initial mechanical failure but also into the company's extreme measures. An FAA spokesperson, struggling to maintain composure, stated, "We thought Boeing was dedicated to safety, but this is... I mean, come on, guys."
In response to a public outcry, Boeing released a statement this morning: "At Boeing, we take safety very seriously, which includes the safety of our corporate secrets. We apologize for any inconvenience our commitment to total secrecy may have caused and are working with airlines to offer a 10% discount on future flights."
Meanwhile, rival company Airbus has seen a sudden influx of applications. "We're just looking for a safe work environment—one where the worst thing that happens is your badge doesn’t scan on the first try," one applicant noted.
As the story develops, the nation remains in shock, with many calling for a reevaluation of corporate crisis management strategies.
