Biden Now Wearing Training Wheels
In a move to squash the never ending press lambasts at President Joe Biden’s fragility, his aides have had him fitted with a set of training wheels. At a hastily assembled press gathering at The White House, Biden’s Director of Communications, Mr William Bullshit, announced the move.
“We’re getting pretty sick and tired of you guys always making a big deal out of Joe’s apparently feeble physical agility. Well, that has got to stop, so we’ve fitted him with a discreet set of training wheels. From now on the president will only appear in public wearing very long coats. These will hide the wheels from public view.”
Questions followed the announcement thick and fast, the first coming from the young whippersnapper cub reporter from the UK magazine, Thyme, who shouted, “Are training wheels what we in the UK call stabilisers?”
“How would I know?” responded Billy Bullshit, “What’s the UK? Some sort of anti-Joe Biden movement?”
Next came a comment from the seasoned reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, who barked, “If he now has wheels fitted, how is he going to manage to climb up stairs?”
“Well, Mister Negativity” barked Bullshit, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“Can he cross a bridge with training wheels fitted?” yelled another press hound.
“I think we’re talking hypotheticals here,” batted back Bullshit, “The main point is that, now Joe has a set of wheels to support him, we think all this falling over in public will go away.”
At this point the president whizzed onto the stage, his feet barely touching the ground. Biden stopped abruptly at the lectern, wobbled almost imperceptibly, smiled at the press pack and mumbled, “Anyone want a race around the block?”
The president then whizzed to the edge of the stage and fell off, landing flat on his face.
“I’m okay, I’m okay,” mumbled Biden as his aides rushed to get the feeble old duffer back into the upright. A slow dribble of blood tricked from the president’s nose as he uttered, “It’s okay guys, my nose broke my fall... Again.”
At this point, the press pack were quickly ushered from the room to allow the presidential wheel mechanics the privacy needed to make minor adjustments to the president’s now buckled training wheels.
When the news of the presidents new wheels hit the international press, comments from other world leaders hit the wires.
“It’s a great idea,” said UK prime minister and Roland Rat lookalike, Richie Rishi Sunak, “I may have a set fitted myself, if they can make them in pure gold with diamond bearings, stolen from the blistered hands of poor orphans.”
“I’ve already had a set fitted,” crowed Mohammed Bin Salman Rushdie, the big cheese from the oil rich country, Sadli Backwardia, “You just can’t see them because I wear this long dress.”
However, not everyone was positive about the frail old duffer and Commander-in-Chief having to be fitted with wheels. The juvenile environmental activist from Sweden was quick to point out the negatives.
“The wheels will at some point need oiling, using oil, and we all know oil is very, very bad,” moaned the diminutive eco-warrior from her first class seat on a specially chartered ‘save the planet’ jumbo jet flight from Sweden to New Zealand, the first leg of her round the world Earth saving tour, “That said, I myself have had a set fitted. My therapist said I need to be more stable.”
