Not Fascism
WASHINGTON - After buying a 10% stake of Intel, the Trump Administration has announced their plan to buy a majority stake of Netflix with Trump vowing to “end the liberal streaming agenda once and for all.” “We’re making Netflix great again,” Trump told reporters. “No more purple-haired baristas writing
Jaywalking
WASHINGTON - In an effort to crack down on what Trump described as “the disgusting, liberal epidemic of jaywalking,” the president has nationalized the DC Metropolitan Police. The announcement was made from the middle of the street on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House between a police barricade.
Apocalypse
TULSA, Okla. — Local evangelical pastor Pastor Brad Halberd of the Grace Under Fire Church announced during Sunday’s sermon that he is “absolutely thrilled” about rising tensions between Israel and Iran. “We are so close, people,” said Halberd, practically shaking with joy. “Wars, rumors of wars, global unrest, climate disasters,
Finances
COLUMBUS, Ohio — In an inspiring story of determination and rigorously poor financial planning, 38-year-old Greg Halvorsen finally achieved the elusive dream of financial freedom, by ceasing to exist. Halvorsen, who once described budgeting as “emotional terrorism,” passed away peacefully in his sleep last Thursday, thereby eliminating all outstanding debts, credit
Trump vs Musk
Torn Wires sat down with Trump for a 25-minute interview, portions of which are transcribed.
International
KYIV—In a display of almost-cooperation, Russia and Ukraine have agreed to a prisoner swap, marking the first time in months the two nations have accomplished anything together besides blaming each other for catastrophic explosions. The deal, described by both sides as “a small but meaningful step,” involved exchanging soldiers,
Two state solution
TEL AVIV, Israel — In an attempt to make the world a more peaceful place, Israel and Hamas have announced plans to hold peace talks immediately after both sides are finished actively making the situation as unpeaceful as possible. Sources close to the negotiations confirm that representatives from both sides are
The Fake News Media
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump this week ordered the deportation of CNN White House correspondent James Costa directly into an El Salvadorian maximum-security prison after the reporter had the audacity to ask “a rude, nasty, very disrespectful question” about inflation. The press conference, which was intended to be a "
Elon Musk
AUSTIN, TX - Elon Musk announced plans this week to launch a new defense contracting firm, StarBrigade, aimed at accelerating his long-term vision of profiting off every corner of human existence, including international conflict. At a press conference held at Tesla's headquarters, Musk explained his motivation. “I’ve
The Economy
BOSTON - Local man Kyle Henderson has found a way to personally combat inflation. He simply never reimburses his friends. "They say the dollar doesn't stretch like it used to," Kyle explained while sipping from a coffee he definitely didn't pay for. "So
Parenting
SEATTLE - Tired of their four-year-old daughter "bragging" about wanting to be a princess, local mother Mindy Pinkerton and father Daniel Pinkerton crushed their daughters hopes and dreams by explaining "it's about time she grows up" and realizes that she's not special
Trade War
As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald Trump’s latest round of proposed tariffs, the president offered a characteristically unconventional solution on Friday: “Just stop buying stuff.” At a press conference, Trump unveiled a sweeping proposal to expand tariffs on countries he described
Donald Trump
WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"
Trump Administration
WASHINGTON - The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump's recent nominee, Bryan Whitmore, from consideration for Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) due to the discovery that Whitmore has several decades of experience as an infectious disease expert. "We
Local
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled. “I just don’
Surveillance
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.” “Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a